I Miss Him

There are so many things I have wanted to say, but have been struggling to write down.  My heart aches for my little boy.  I miss him.  I miss him so much, it hurts.  I miss his teeny tiny hands that would grasp my finger so tightly.  I miss watching him sleep.  I even miss changing his miniature diapers.

It is so hard to not focus on everything we missed out on, but to focus on everything we got to experience with Michael.  To not dwell on the time we will not have with him in the future, but to rejoice for the time we were given with him. 

In a perfect world, I would still be pregnant right now- not grieving the death of my son, who came into this world too early and fought for his life for exactly one month.  I should be picking out nursery decorations, not a headstone for an infant's grave.

I have had good days and I have had ugly days.  Yesterday was an ugly day.  I spent a good portion of the day crying and having a pity party for myself.  My sister-in-law gave birth to a healthy baby boy.  His name is Landon and he is absolutely beautiful and perfect.  While I am so happy for them, I am also sad, jealous, angry.

I do not cry for Michael, for I know that he is in Heaven.  He is now perfect.

I cry because I miss him.