All of Me

I LOVE this song.  I cannot stop listening to it.  It was written by Matt Hammitt from the band Sanctus Real.  His son Bowen was born with a heart defect and they did not know if he was going to survive.  

 I think this song so accurately portrays the love parents have for their children.  It is beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.  If I wrote a song for Michael, this is exactly what I would say.

Michael's Pumpkins

Punkin.  That's what I called him.  

He even had the cutest little hand-crocheted pumpkin hat made by my wonderful cousin and best friend, Cristi.  

In honor of our little punkin, Scott came up with the idea to ask everyone to carve a pumpkin and post a picture of it on Facebook to help fill Michael's pumpkin patch.  The response was overwhelming.  In the end, I think we ended up with over 200 pumpkin pictures.  Here are a few of my favorites:

We are so thankful for everyone who chose to participate in helping us remember and honor our sweet little boy.  In the future, we are hoping to turn this into some sort of fund raiser and all of the proceeds will go to Riley Hospital for Children.

Thank you for all your love and support!

I Miss Him

There are so many things I have wanted to say, but have been struggling to write down.  My heart aches for my little boy.  I miss him.  I miss him so much, it hurts.  I miss his teeny tiny hands that would grasp my finger so tightly.  I miss watching him sleep.  I even miss changing his miniature diapers.

It is so hard to not focus on everything we missed out on, but to focus on everything we got to experience with Michael.  To not dwell on the time we will not have with him in the future, but to rejoice for the time we were given with him. 

In a perfect world, I would still be pregnant right now- not grieving the death of my son, who came into this world too early and fought for his life for exactly one month.  I should be picking out nursery decorations, not a headstone for an infant's grave.

I have had good days and I have had ugly days.  Yesterday was an ugly day.  I spent a good portion of the day crying and having a pity party for myself.  My sister-in-law gave birth to a healthy baby boy.  His name is Landon and he is absolutely beautiful and perfect.  While I am so happy for them, I am also sad, jealous, angry.

I do not cry for Michael, for I know that he is in Heaven.  He is now perfect.

I cry because I miss him.  

 

Hello World!

Iron Mike

Take a look at this little guy.  15 days ago, I was laying on a bed at St. Francis Hospital listening to the doctor pretty much tell me that we were going to lose him.  My water had broken at 23 weeks and 5 days and almost all of my amniotic fluid was gone.  For the moment, my contractions had slowed down and my cervix had not started to dilate.  Thankfully, the doctor on call (not my doctor) made the decision to send me to University Hospital for observation.  I got to ride in an ambulance for the first time- no, they did not turn the lights on :(  As soon as we got to University Hospital, everything changed.  The doctors and nurses were so optimistic and positive that everything would work out and that they would do everything in their power to make sure that the baby and I were safe and would have the best care possible.  We met with lots of doctors the following day and I was told that I would be living at the hospital until Michael decided to make his grand entrance into the world.  I was told that it could be 2 days, 2 week, 2 months, etc. 

Well.......my little guy had other plans.  Big plans.  He did not like the idea of hanging out in my belly and not being able to swim around and do his somersaults and gymnastics.  About 24 hours after being admitted to University Hospital, I started having contractions.  Hard contractions.  Really close together contractions- like not even a minute apart.  And they hurt!  I almost threw up from the pain and all I could do was writhe around on my bed in pain.  I seriously went from .5 centimeter dilated to the baby crowning in about an hour.  The doctors came in and got everything ready, I pushed three times and he was out!  I did not have an epidural and even though he was tiny, it still hurt- not as bad as my contractions, but not comfy.  I cannot even imagine pushing out a term baby with no drugs!  The doctors took him away immediately and I didn't get to see him for about 30 minutes.  I still have not held him.

Michael was born weighing only 1 lb, 5 oz.  He is currently residing in the NICU at Riley Hospital and will be there for the next few months.  He is super teeny tiny and completely adorable.  He is doing very well, but we have a long road ahead of us.

His weight got down to 1 lb, 1 oz, but he is now sitting pretty at 1 lb, 10 oz and has grown a half an inch since birth!  Michael has had a lot of really great days and a couple of sort of rocky days.  He was on breast milk feedings for about a week, but then developed an infection, so he is off that for now.  The antibiotics are working hard to clear things up and hopefully we will start feedings again in a couple days.

Michael has been super active recently!  He loves to grab onto whatever he can get his little hands on- usually his breathing or feeding tube.  He actually holds onto his feeding tube so much that they have to reset and tape it about every other day.  Michael loves to squirm and wiggle around.  He hates laying on his side.  Lately, I have noticed that he makes lots of sucking motions with his mouth and likes to stick his tongue out and has lately been trying to suck his thumb!  It amazes me that even at this early stage, he does things like this.  He is such an amazing little guy!

Thanks to everyone for all the prayers!  We love Michael so much and are so excited to see what each day brings :)

Michael Davis Duncan

Michael Davis Duncan
Born September 23, 2011
1 lb, 5 oz

Michael was born 16 weeks early.  He is doing very well, but has a very long road ahead of him.  He is a good size for his age, but still very teeny tiny.  Please pray for health and strength as he grows and develops, wisdom for his team of doctors and nurses at Riley and calm and strength for Scott and me.  We love this little guy so very much and are so happy that we have been chosen to be his parents.

One of these days, I will write out and post his birth story for all to hear.  For now, I am just enjoying being a mommy to this amazing little boy.

Reading List

Ever since my sister Melanie taught me to read, I have had an almost insatiable craving to read anything I can get my hands on.  For the past few years, I have been in a book club.  We meet once a month to discuss the books and just have some fun girl time.  I have been pretty good this year about reading our books, in addition to other ones.  In years past, I have tried keeping a list of everything I had read for the year- I usually average about 30 books a year.  I definitely feel I have been slacking a little this year.  I blame it partly on this pregnancy.  I used to love to get into bed early and read until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.  Now, I pretty much get in bed and pass out immediately.  We are planning to go on vacation in October, so hopefully I can get caught up :)  Here is what I have read so far:

Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins
4 Blondes by Candace Bushnell
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
What to Expect when You're Expecting (working my way through it week-by-week) by Heidi Murkoff
Juliet, Naked by Nick Hornby
The Red Tent by Anita Diamant
Dune Road by Jane Green
Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rawandan Holocaust by Imaculee Ilibagiza
Fools Rush In by Janice Thompson
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (I have tried to read this multiple times. Still working on it)
Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver
Delirium by Lauren Oliver
Baby Bargains by Denise and Alan Fields

You may notice that there is a lot of teen fiction on my list.  I absolutely LOVED the Hunger Games trilogy and almost cried when I was finished reading it.  Now, I am hooked on Lauren Oliver books.  I have read her only two books and they were both fantastic.  I have a few other books by on request at the library by authors I have not yet read, so I should be able to add to the list pretty quickly.  Scott bought me a Kindle for my birthday this year and I learned recently that the library is in the process of making it possible to "check out" e-books!  This is HUGE!  I love my Kindle, but sometimes struggle with the fact of paying so much for a book that isn't a physical book.  And of course I love the library because it is free.

What are you reading right now?